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So I don’t really know why I’m writing this post, maybe a distraction from the boredom, hunger or both and it’s not like I have anything else to be at. No college work to do; essays, projects etc. None at all (I’m assuming you’ve guessed I’m being sarcastic).

As of today I am four weeks away from the end of term and seven from the end of this academic period of my life. Into the big bad world with a degree firmly in my hand….yay life begins(!) But as much as I’m looking forward to it, and believe me, I am….lately more than ever I am wanting to pack college in and all that’s coming of it right now. With less than a month I know how stupid it would be, so close to the finishing line and I give in. It’s not even the lack of jobs waiting for me (less than none) or moving back home and keeping my sanity (seriously) or even that I’ll have to start living a live properly as an adult, in fact if anything I cannot wait for adulthood and all that comes with it….good and bad!

But since the beginning of last year I’ve felt the energy and motivation for anything draining away, little by little. It’s not like normal procrastination and being a student I know how to do that, but more like an attitude of not caring what happens with me or my future in any shape. More and more I begin to think “Pack it in now and start again next year” and less I think “You’re so close to the end, don’t give in now”. I tell my family and friends that I want to finish and start living and I do, no part of that is a lie but I just can’t see myself being able to make it that far….which is only four measly weeks!!

It’s like I can see the future I want need and it’s not even just on the horizon but on the top of a moderately steep hill. If I can get to the top I can begin to plan the rest of my life; what I want from it, how to get it and what I need to bring with/leave behind me. But at the bottom of the hill is this gate and its not even locked, in fact it has instructions on the quickest route to the top.

But I’ve not left the car yet.

Not unbuckled my seat belt.

Not even turned the engine off.

Already checking my rear view mirror to begin to reverse away.

I need someone to take the keys out and run ahead of me, up the hill and throw the keys away. Make me find them to get away from here. I feel like I don’t have anyone like that around me.

Its easier to go to bed, wake up and not leave it, even the motivation to get out of bed eludes me and right now I’m listening to music from my early teens and as nostalgic as it is all it makes me want to do is go back to a time when my biggest worry was wondering how many spots my face would have in the morning.

I need a break from life and I know I should wait until I’m free of college but quite honestly I don’t know if I’m up for that struggle. I can only do one hill at a time.

I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered

Say Something

So I know this is like my 4th or 5th time back here after a prolonged absence but this time I feel I can achieve something by saying these things aloud. If not at least I’m saying said things.

Watching my favourite movie The Perks of Being A Wallflower for what is at least the 15th time and something has changed in me since the last viewing. Ever since I saw it over a year ago I was shocked at how much I identified with the character of Charlie. Everything about his personality is how I used to be when I was younger and, if I’m honest, how I act internally too. But then that got me thinking more; about what movies I watch and the characters I love, the books I read and the music I listen to….repeatedly and repeatedly.

For instance take Charlie in Perks… he is this loner, with no friends and low self esteem. He is awkward at the start from a tragic event and even the simplest tasks like answering a question in class is something he struggles with. I began to realise the more I watch the movie the more it dawns on me, I identify with Charlie because (in some way) I have been Charlie. I have been that loner, that boy who knew the answer to a question but kept it to himself.

From that point I started to re-analyse my catalogue of books and why I read them. I seek out the lonely, damaged and isolated characters and attach to them. The reasons they are the way they are, are also the reasons I am the way I am. As for songs I love the slower sad songs because like most I can understand the pain and sadness behind the songs. But I listen to them over and over never getting bored or annoyed with the same thing repeated. Sure up until last year I had a wall of sad quotes which I convinced myself was to make sure I don’t go to a sad or lonely place again, like a reminder of sorts. But it just made me worse and It was like a part of me liked it and seem to revel in the joy of the pain!

“We accept the love we think we deserve” one of my favourite book quotes of all my books and again it wasn’t until I really thought about it and what it meant to me did I understand why I am how I am. People have boyfriends or girlfriends who are below what the deserve because maybe they see themselves as lower as what they really are and instead of looking for someone better they settle. But for me I have never had a boyfriend or anything close to it and maybe that is because on some level I don’t think I deserve one. Maybe because I see myself as damaged goods I don’t see why guys should try anything with me.

Are all of these lines, movies, songs, wall of quotes, etc. just the way I see myself and how I can find some comfort with knowing if this fictional character or artist can make it through surely I can too?

But if I believe that, like truly believe it, why to I seem to actively seek them out. Almost as if I don’t have this pain or upset in me I won’t know who I am or where I go next.

I am feeling so small, it was over my head.

I know nothing at all

Lately

Defining how one feels at any one point can be difficult. Taking in current state of mind, environmental factors, even something as simple as the weather can affect ones mood. But for me its one thing, and this is constant, how I’m feeling?

Lonely…Alone…Detached…Lost…Abandoned…

Most of the time I feel like I’m just getting through the day trying not to feel like this. But I do, I always do. On a scale of 1-10, one being bad and ten being good, my day just gradually decreases and I feel worse and worse.

When I wake up its a six (maybe seven, rarely more). By dinner its a five then by 6 o’ clock its decreasing more and more. By time I’m in bed its easily three, two, one. The more the day goes on I just feel worse. Its never hard to get out of bed but I do it thinking what the point is, all I want to do is stay there all day. Nothing can get me there.

I’ve noticed I do things to stop me thinking and bringing myself down. Whenever I go anywhere I will be alone and could have time to think and bring me down, I bring earphones to listen to music. Music is literally my life…and I dont mean I’m one of those who knows all the artists or listens to every genre. But it helps me not think because lets face it; I am my own worst enemy. 

The Best Friend helps too, when I’m talking to him im distracted and not thinking about me or things that will bring me down. But him, like most people, sleep at a normal time and so by midnight I’m by myself again and the thoughts come. Im going to random chat sites to talk to guys because I cant stand being alone and having no one to talk to.

At times like this I really miss The One That Got Away, he was always up so late and I would always have someone to talk to. Since I last blogged I’ve blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number, so I am making good process and like I said before I have closed that chapter in my life (see post titled “Begin Again”). But cant help but think of him when I’m feeling alone, I know he would still be up and would talk. 

I know I’ve said this over and over but I do want to stop feeling like this but its really difficult. As for the lonely part, I may be over indulging it. Recently got back in touch with The First Guy I Met and its not as it was when we talked before. He is still the same but I’ve changed, I’m different, still I will talk to him because its someone to when I’m alone. I cant see something more coming of it though. The Best Friend knows a fella I saw in town, he is cute and The Best Friend got him to add me and we’re chatting. So we’ll see. 

 

-Dan x

..wish that I could weather any storm but I guess it was heartbreak from the norm.

My Skin

I’m sad, I don’t know how long I can keep going like this for. Too tired to do anything, but knowing there is something wrong.

I cant keep feeling like this for much longer. Don’t even know how long I’ve been feeling like this, but I honestly don’t know a time when I didn’t feel like this.

When asked how I am, my mind says:

“I’m not ok, I’m not feeling the best. Have been like this for quite some time if I’m honest, just feeling sad practically all the time and its bringing me down. Behind this smile and my loud laugh is me in pain and I feel so lost and lonely. I don’t know what to do”

but what comes out is:

“I’m fine, you?”

Sometimes I get angry with people for not noticing how I’m really feeling. Like how can you see what I’m really like, if I’m that good at hiding my true colours then it seems I’ve found my talent. Yay me (!)

What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this, I don’t understand why I’m like this. I don’t want to keep feeling like this, it’s stopping me living my life. Sure I go to college and have a good amount of friends, I have a good social life and a happy family (well as much as they can be). On the outside I seem like a normal, happy and fun loving person. I’m not really, not by a long shot.

I need help, from someone who can see what’s happening to me. Please…

~Dan x

They say that promises sweeten the blow, but I don’t need them…