Out From Under

Am I there yet?

Have I made it?

When are they Spice Girls reforming?

All questions I have been mulling over the past few months (even the Spice Girls…seriously!) I guess now I’ve moved to Dublin, finally, I assume everything I’ve been working toward should be within easy grasp. But it’s not. It’s not even close.

Maybe I’m being melodramatic, but at 25 I would like my life to at least look like it’s getting itself together. But so far no job (not really), no boyfriend (ha!) and no clue what is happening with myself. In my last post I mentioned I was at the beginning stages of sorting something out in my life, yet in the 7 months that have passed I don’t think I have made any progress. Now I’m not saying I’m not happy but maybe I had my expectations too high..

The one thing Dublin has done for me is exposed me to a greater gay scene, shocking (!) But as grateful as I am to get more guy contact I just wish it would work out better…or even at all! I have had dates with weird guys, clingy guys, overly attentive guys and even perfect guys but nothing. On a side note, if you’re going to act couple-y with me it gives me the impression you are interested and when you ghost me, its a swift kick in the…shins. That shit hurts dude! Not that it’s something foreign to me ; see Begin Again.

I guess I need to work out what I want and how to get it, make a plan and stick to it. Which goes for where I want to be work wise, location wise and love live…wise.

I feel this post is a bit of a mish mash but I needed to write and isn’t that the point of this?

I don’t wanna dream about, all the things that never were.
maybe I can live without..

 

Not Enough

OK so picture it. We meet and after being wrapped around each other like a bracelet that doesn’t quite fit but so you double loop it and you realise he’s wearing aftershave not only do you love, but you also own, do you remember; hes moving country in three days. So you throw caution to the wind and do things you never do, you break the rules. Your rules.

Now I know I am beginning to paint this fleeting encounter as an “Weekend-esqe” night, when in reality the walk to our outdoor fumble lasted longer than he did, but it just stuck with me all day so to get it out of my system I came back here (on a side-note, check out Weekend should you not get my earlier reference).

But it got me (over)thinking and it just doesn’t seem worth the hassle anymore. Living in a small town where your business is public knowledge before you get home really puts you off any kind of relationship. But while that was swimming in my head, it dawned on me how annoyed I was because nothing was going to happen with him. Even though I didn’t want anything to happen with him. But still….its so unfair!! (Just a preview into my head today). So for the umpteenth time I was telling myself to stop thinking about it and  that I don’t want anything with anyone here at home, when I move to Dublin I can start to be the relationship boy. But until then, stay strong.

Stay. Strong.

Easier said. So much easier.

Am I lonely? Do I want someone? Or am I in love with the idea of being with someone? I also realise I have quite a bit of baggage and I am at the very very early stages of dealing with it. Is it fair to have someone come into the middle of that?

How you gonna turn it around? Because, it’s not enough

 

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

Interested In. Like. Lust. Like Like. Really Like. Falling For. In Love. Love.

These, to me, are the stages of liking someone. Going through the stages can be slow, fast or (for the case of most kids) as fast as lightening. I suppose I’m thinking about this a lot now I’ve finished college and I’m trying to figure out what’s next. Relationships are an obvious part of that step. One I’ve yet to embark on.

Yes at 24 I have never been in any kind of relationship. Be it fleeting, short lived or slow. I am a relationship virgin. Now before you attempt to psychoanalyse why I’m here to let you know that yes it is related to an event in my life and yes men in my life haven’t been the most stable or reliable. So naturally getting into a relationship with one is extremely daunting. But that’s not to say I don’t want one. I do. Just need to find the Kit to my Ella.

In saying that I am very much in a limbo of my own creation. I’m not sitting around waiting for him to find me, but at the same time I’m not actively on the look out for him either. I’m in this in-between state of mind that knows I shouldn’t paint all men in the same light I’ve been (inadvertently) shown. But I’m also an expert at finding excuses not to talk to guys that do make the effort to approach me. And I have been told I come off as hard to approach or I seem negative. Before I go any further I should point out that this is all virtual! Part of being gay in most places in Ireland you can only access men across some sort of platform (i.e. Grindr, Tinder, POF, OkCupid and as of last night, Match.ie). So before you picture me as this Simon Cowell-esque diva sending guys away as they walk towards me, I’m not.

You see, when I do get talking to a guy I tend to get kind of overly involved. Like if they don’t reply after about 10-15 minutes I’m checking to see if they are still online and if not then I will check on and off until they are. Heaven forbid they should have a life of their own and not have to reply to me instantly! If someone came to me for advice and told me that, I would suggest they take a step back and wait for the other person to reply on their own and if they don’t then it’s a lucky escape for you. But can I take my own advice? No.

Would I like a boyfriend? Yes of course I would. It’s someone you can share a part of your world with and vice versa. If that’s not reason enough then I don’t know what is. But its the other stuff you have to over come first, that’s  so off putting. I mean I know they say “what comes easy won’t last but what comes to last won’t be easy” (or some variation).

I guess I have to listen to myself and sit tight until my Kit arrives. But I also know that doesn’t mean I have to sit home and knit until he does!

Still enough time to figure out, how to chase my blues away

Untitled

So I don’t really know why I’m writing this post, maybe a distraction from the boredom, hunger or both and it’s not like I have anything else to be at. No college work to do; essays, projects etc. None at all (I’m assuming you’ve guessed I’m being sarcastic).

As of today I am four weeks away from the end of term and seven from the end of this academic period of my life. Into the big bad world with a degree firmly in my hand….yay life begins(!) But as much as I’m looking forward to it, and believe me, I am….lately more than ever I am wanting to pack college in and all that’s coming of it right now. With less than a month I know how stupid it would be, so close to the finishing line and I give in. It’s not even the lack of jobs waiting for me (less than none) or moving back home and keeping my sanity (seriously) or even that I’ll have to start living a live properly as an adult, in fact if anything I cannot wait for adulthood and all that comes with it….good and bad!

But since the beginning of last year I’ve felt the energy and motivation for anything draining away, little by little. It’s not like normal procrastination and being a student I know how to do that, but more like an attitude of not caring what happens with me or my future in any shape. More and more I begin to think “Pack it in now and start again next year” and less I think “You’re so close to the end, don’t give in now”. I tell my family and friends that I want to finish and start living and I do, no part of that is a lie but I just can’t see myself being able to make it that far….which is only four measly weeks!!

It’s like I can see the future I want need and it’s not even just on the horizon but on the top of a moderately steep hill. If I can get to the top I can begin to plan the rest of my life; what I want from it, how to get it and what I need to bring with/leave behind me. But at the bottom of the hill is this gate and its not even locked, in fact it has instructions on the quickest route to the top.

But I’ve not left the car yet.

Not unbuckled my seat belt.

Not even turned the engine off.

Already checking my rear view mirror to begin to reverse away.

I need someone to take the keys out and run ahead of me, up the hill and throw the keys away. Make me find them to get away from here. I feel like I don’t have anyone like that around me.

Its easier to go to bed, wake up and not leave it, even the motivation to get out of bed eludes me and right now I’m listening to music from my early teens and as nostalgic as it is all it makes me want to do is go back to a time when my biggest worry was wondering how many spots my face would have in the morning.

I need a break from life and I know I should wait until I’m free of college but quite honestly I don’t know if I’m up for that struggle. I can only do one hill at a time.

I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered

Happy

Everyone is trying to find a way through life and the pressures placed on it and upon them. While I’m in the background wondering if it is really worth it? I mean maybe there really is nothing more to life than finding how to be happy or maybe the key to life is just finding a way to cope with it… and isn’t that just a bit sad?

More and more there are people who feel like they are surrounded by activity but are always lonely or sad. Why is there this ever increasing feeling of loneliness and emptiness on a planet with 7 billion inhabiting it? In my own experience it’s a continuous void of nothing broken up by distractions (right now that’s college). As we grow we find more distractions and ways to combine them making the break longer and longer, otherwise known as getting a job, significant other, married, house and kids…you know how it goes.

Yes we do find those who can distract us for longer than most and we cling to them for fear of becoming lost in the darkness once again. But even those that say they will stay and make it bearable don’t mean it, not fully…they can’t. The best ones can’t stay by your side indefinitely and as you care for them you understand and let them loosen their grip.

Again alone. Again nothing.

Of course it is easy to say you should learn to be your own saviour, to help yourself without relying on anyone else. That way when you do find someone you won’t lean on them as much and when they need to go (as everyone does!) it’s not as bad. But therein lies the trap, like an addiction you don’t know how to act without that one thing you didn’t know you needed until it left. What’s the saying? You don’t miss the well ’til the water runs out. And everyone needs water to live, don’t they? One of my favourite books hit the nail on the head with it:

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like.”        ~ Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

I myself have had this very thought, and I wonder why I identify with Charlie, as My Best Friend means everything to me. Mostly because how he keeps me from being the me I don’t like and after almost 4 years of friendship it works. More than anything before. But I’ve lived longer without him than with him and I don’t remember how I was before him, that scares me. If for some reason he was gone from my life tomorrow I wouldn’t know what to do or how to get through the day. Isn’t that terrifying?? That I’ve become so dependant on that one person that should I have to live without them, I don’t remember how to.

Life as a twenty-something year old has too much attached to it, we need to workout too much too early so that when it comes to working out everything else we will know what we’re doing. But isn’t everything perfect in theory?

I would just like it to be said that nothing is easy and the sooner everyone stops thinking it is the sooner we can be happy with our own unhappiness in life.

…you have to choose what you win or lose. You can’t have everything.

The Heart Wants What It Wants

I did say I would make more of an effort in my posts, so as promised here is the next edition into the deep end of the pool that is my mind.

College has started back properly with assignments and reports being thrown at us like a juggler increasing his apples or whatever they juggle. That is how I feel, like I’m juggling everything college gives me and on top of everything else it’s never ending and hard to keep track off. So many of the assignments are open to us to do what we want, but with such a vague scope I’m finding myself lost in a sea of everythings and anythings.

Also my love live hasn’t improved since the last post, had it done so would be a world record, even by my standards! But I slight change in the air with a decision to stay away from the type of men I seem to be attracted to and a move towards those of a more mature and better belief in themselves. Who knows, that could rub off me and help me with the issues that I need to fix (fingers crossed!). Now I’m not going to sit here and describe my perfect man, there is no such thing, but I will let you know the reasons behind what I want and why.

To me everything needs to be done in a right way and given most of my life never does that I tend to control what I can with that specification in mind. So this is down to:

• Plates being stacked in from the largest at the bottom, smaller atop.
• Cutlery in the right slots (how hard is that really??)
• Not leaving dishes sitting there for days on end.
• Not making a mess just because you’re making a dinner.
• Each class has a folder for any notes or hand outs we get.
• Each set of hand outs has the date and my name in the top left in red.
• Any notes taken has the date on the left, class name in the middle and lecturer’s name in the right. Again in red.
• My bed being made before I leave
• My sleeping position to always have something at my back, pillow, duvet, person, etc.
• Phone in the right pocket, wallet in the left.
• Anything to do with numbers to be even; volume, videos watched, amount of times a song is repeated, etc.
• Never leaving a room messy. Now I don’t want it clean and everything perfect but a certain degree of order isn’t too much to ask.
• Grammar and punctuation is vital to me taking you seriously. If you don’t know the difference between “Where” and “Were” or what a semi-colon (;) is I already mentally murdering you.
• And hundreds more, one being, in case you haven’t guessed, includes making lists!

So as you can see I seem to come off as high maintenance but when it comes to a fella I don’t want to be in control the whole time, or even any of the time. Now I’m not saying I will bow down and do what he wants, but relationship wise (and other) I would want him to take charge and me to follow. In that way this would be the one escape I have from myself and knowing it’s ok to not be 100% together all of the time.

I’m blabbing on but that’s how my mind is right now; so much information, so much I want to talk about but I don’t know how to.

Sleep is needed…

This is a modern fairy tale, no happy endings, no wind in our sails.

But I can’t imagine a life without breathless moments breaking me down.

Say Something

So I know this is like my 4th or 5th time back here after a prolonged absence but this time I feel I can achieve something by saying these things aloud. If not at least I’m saying said things.

Watching my favourite movie The Perks of Being A Wallflower for what is at least the 15th time and something has changed in me since the last viewing. Ever since I saw it over a year ago I was shocked at how much I identified with the character of Charlie. Everything about his personality is how I used to be when I was younger and, if I’m honest, how I act internally too. But then that got me thinking more; about what movies I watch and the characters I love, the books I read and the music I listen to….repeatedly and repeatedly.

For instance take Charlie in Perks… he is this loner, with no friends and low self esteem. He is awkward at the start from a tragic event and even the simplest tasks like answering a question in class is something he struggles with. I began to realise the more I watch the movie the more it dawns on me, I identify with Charlie because (in some way) I have been Charlie. I have been that loner, that boy who knew the answer to a question but kept it to himself.

From that point I started to re-analyse my catalogue of books and why I read them. I seek out the lonely, damaged and isolated characters and attach to them. The reasons they are the way they are, are also the reasons I am the way I am. As for songs I love the slower sad songs because like most I can understand the pain and sadness behind the songs. But I listen to them over and over never getting bored or annoyed with the same thing repeated. Sure up until last year I had a wall of sad quotes which I convinced myself was to make sure I don’t go to a sad or lonely place again, like a reminder of sorts. But it just made me worse and It was like a part of me liked it and seem to revel in the joy of the pain!

“We accept the love we think we deserve” one of my favourite book quotes of all my books and again it wasn’t until I really thought about it and what it meant to me did I understand why I am how I am. People have boyfriends or girlfriends who are below what the deserve because maybe they see themselves as lower as what they really are and instead of looking for someone better they settle. But for me I have never had a boyfriend or anything close to it and maybe that is because on some level I don’t think I deserve one. Maybe because I see myself as damaged goods I don’t see why guys should try anything with me.

Are all of these lines, movies, songs, wall of quotes, etc. just the way I see myself and how I can find some comfort with knowing if this fictional character or artist can make it through surely I can too?

But if I believe that, like truly believe it, why to I seem to actively seek them out. Almost as if I don’t have this pain or upset in me I won’t know who I am or where I go next.

I am feeling so small, it was over my head.

I know nothing at all

Everything Has Changed

So this is going to be different. I’m not going to recount stories, quotes or things said to me.

I’m not going to tell you what he has done to become so important to me, or how the things he’s said have helped save my my life. And I mean literally saved my life.

The Best Friend

When I need him he’s there, without question, without annoyance, without me feeling like it’s bugging him.

He is the first person I think of when I have news; good, bad, exciting or even just regular boring “Got a new dvd” news

We talk everyday, all day and never get bored of him. There is never a time when I don’t reply because I need a break from him. There is never a time when I feel like we have nothing to talk about.

When I need advice he is ready to give it to me. Even if its the advice I don’t want to hear, because he knows I need to hear it.

When he promises something, I know he means it and will never break it.

I can spend hours in his company in silence, watching a movie or TV, and it is still a great time together.

When he says he isn’t going to leave, I believe him.

There are, nor will there ever be, enough words to describe how important he is to me. How just by talking to him my day is that little bit better.  Anything I say is doesnt and can’t fully describe to how I feel about him.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so happy and grateful I let him in my life.

I can’t imagine my life without him.

I love him.

Me: Love you lots

Him: Love you too

Me: To the moon and back?

Him: More than beans and rice

 

-Dan x

All my walls stood tall painted blue….I’ll take them down and open up the door for you

Lately

Defining how one feels at any one point can be difficult. Taking in current state of mind, environmental factors, even something as simple as the weather can affect ones mood. But for me its one thing, and this is constant, how I’m feeling?

Lonely…Alone…Detached…Lost…Abandoned…

Most of the time I feel like I’m just getting through the day trying not to feel like this. But I do, I always do. On a scale of 1-10, one being bad and ten being good, my day just gradually decreases and I feel worse and worse.

When I wake up its a six (maybe seven, rarely more). By dinner its a five then by 6 o’ clock its decreasing more and more. By time I’m in bed its easily three, two, one. The more the day goes on I just feel worse. Its never hard to get out of bed but I do it thinking what the point is, all I want to do is stay there all day. Nothing can get me there.

I’ve noticed I do things to stop me thinking and bringing myself down. Whenever I go anywhere I will be alone and could have time to think and bring me down, I bring earphones to listen to music. Music is literally my life…and I dont mean I’m one of those who knows all the artists or listens to every genre. But it helps me not think because lets face it; I am my own worst enemy. 

The Best Friend helps too, when I’m talking to him im distracted and not thinking about me or things that will bring me down. But him, like most people, sleep at a normal time and so by midnight I’m by myself again and the thoughts come. Im going to random chat sites to talk to guys because I cant stand being alone and having no one to talk to.

At times like this I really miss The One That Got Away, he was always up so late and I would always have someone to talk to. Since I last blogged I’ve blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number, so I am making good process and like I said before I have closed that chapter in my life (see post titled “Begin Again”). But cant help but think of him when I’m feeling alone, I know he would still be up and would talk. 

I know I’ve said this over and over but I do want to stop feeling like this but its really difficult. As for the lonely part, I may be over indulging it. Recently got back in touch with The First Guy I Met and its not as it was when we talked before. He is still the same but I’ve changed, I’m different, still I will talk to him because its someone to when I’m alone. I cant see something more coming of it though. The Best Friend knows a fella I saw in town, he is cute and The Best Friend got him to add me and we’re chatting. So we’ll see. 

 

-Dan x

..wish that I could weather any storm but I guess it was heartbreak from the norm.

Breathe Again

So during the weekend I had a break from my  college exams, was well needed! And Eurovision happened to be on. For those of you that are asking “What’s Eurovision?” it is an annual all European singing competition, thats the simple explanation for more detailed one check this out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurovision_Song_Contest. Oh and when reading you will probably wonder why if it is a European competition why the likes of Israel and Azerbaijan are in it….yeah I wonder the same thing! 

So me and few friends got together and tried to have a drinking game with it, after about 10 minutes we gave up and just drank. With enough drink we made the “sensible” decision to go out to the club in town. More drinks, taxi into town and headed to Sarah’s** house before we left for the club. Drank way more than I planned, having just under half a 70ml bottle I thought I would be fine. Drink half and have the rest for whenever. Sounds like a good plan, right? Yeah I drank it all! 

The club was fun, dancing and just shaking away the stresses of college and exams. Memory of it is blurred but flashes crop up now and again. One more than the rest. Sarah** offered to get shots so off we went, all I remember was some fella at the bar beside us. We got to talking and I dont remember for how long but then I remember leaning in for a kiss, which he grabbed my crotch hard and said things that wont be repeated here or to anyone. When I got free, I just walked away and somehow ended up in the smoking area. Sarah** found me and could tell I was upset. Of course with the drink in me I told her and then out of nowhere I started crying. Now I never cry in front of anyone. Ever. Just came pouring out, with the drink not letting me stop at all. I suppose it breaks down the walls you have up but I have them up for a reason. I dont want this to be happening any time I drink.

Now this isnt the first time something like this has happened. I’ve had bottles, glasses, cups thrown at me. Abuse shouted and people even coming up to me to tell me stop kissing some fella in front of them (to which I tell them I didn’t ask you to watch so piss off). Im used to it and I can deal with it, but lately I’ve been feeling so low and really down so when I thought someone liked me, even if it was just a kiss, I was delighted. But turns out it was just someone taking the piss and preying on the likes of me because he has nothing better to do.

Just sometimes, and I only mean this when I’m down and stuff like this happens, sometimes I wish I was normal. Being me the way I am is just an extra load I have to carry around with me and dealing with bigots and people telling me I’m unnatural and need to be fixed is something I can deal with up to a point. Life is hard enough, why should I have to deal with people hating me because of the gender I’m attracted to?

 

-Dan x

And I ain’t the one to shoot the gun ’cause that means you will be winning…