Say Something

So I know this is like my 4th or 5th time back here after a prolonged absence but this time I feel I can achieve something by saying these things aloud. If not at least I’m saying said things.

Watching my favourite movie The Perks of Being A Wallflower for what is at least the 15th time and something has changed in me since the last viewing. Ever since I saw it over a year ago I was shocked at how much I identified with the character of Charlie. Everything about his personality is how I used to be when I was younger and, if I’m honest, how I act internally too. But then that got me thinking more; about what movies I watch and the characters I love, the books I read and the music I listen to….repeatedly and repeatedly.

For instance take Charlie in Perks… he is this loner, with no friends and low self esteem. He is awkward at the start from a tragic event and even the simplest tasks like answering a question in class is something he struggles with. I began to realise the more I watch the movie the more it dawns on me, I identify with Charlie because (in some way) I have been Charlie. I have been that loner, that boy who knew the answer to a question but kept it to himself.

From that point I started to re-analyse my catalogue of books and why I read them. I seek out the lonely, damaged and isolated characters and attach to them. The reasons they are the way they are, are also the reasons I am the way I am. As for songs I love the slower sad songs because like most I can understand the pain and sadness behind the songs. But I listen to them over and over never getting bored or annoyed with the same thing repeated. Sure up until last year I had a wall of sad quotes which I convinced myself was to make sure I don’t go to a sad or lonely place again, like a reminder of sorts. But it just made me worse and It was like a part of me liked it and seem to revel in the joy of the pain!

“We accept the love we think we deserve” one of my favourite book quotes of all my books and again it wasn’t until I really thought about it and what it meant to me did I understand why I am how I am. People have boyfriends or girlfriends who are below what the deserve because maybe they see themselves as lower as what they really are and instead of looking for someone better they settle. But for me I have never had a boyfriend or anything close to it and maybe that is because on some level I don’t think I deserve one. Maybe because I see myself as damaged goods I don’t see why guys should try anything with me.

Are all of these lines, movies, songs, wall of quotes, etc. just the way I see myself and how I can find some comfort with knowing if this fictional character or artist can make it through surely I can too?

But if I believe that, like truly believe it, why to I seem to actively seek them out. Almost as if I don’t have this pain or upset in me I won’t know who I am or where I go next.

I am feeling so small, it was over my head.

I know nothing at all